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Transcripts/Dungeons & Discords

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Episode Dungeons & Discords
Previous The Times They Are A Changeling
Next Buckball Season
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Discord: Tea?
Fluttershy: [gasps]
Discord: Trendy coats? Bedrolls? Saddlebags? Oh! A surprise vacation just for the two of us? How thoughtful. I hear Puerto Caballo is lovely this time of year. Sand like powdered sugar. [blows]
Fluttershy: Um, Princess Celestia's taking us on an overnight goodwill tour of Yakyakistan. I just found out.
Discord: [gasps] So what you're saying is no tea? Ugh. Well. [clears throat] That's fine. I wasn't thirsty anyway.
Fluttershy: If you're looking for something to do, you could spend the evening with Spike and Big Mac.
Discord: [laughs]
Discord: You aren't kidding.
Fluttershy: They're very nice. They have a "top secret" thing they do whenever we leave Ponyville. Although everypony knows about it, so it's not a very good secret. I think you'd have fun with them.
Discord: Fun? With sidekicks? Oh, you must think that we're in a dimension where everything is opposite. [snap] "Da-dee-la! I'm Opposite Discord, and I want to hang out with Spike and Big Mac! I'm sure I'd have fun!"
Opposite Fluttershy: Well, guess what, Sassafras?! I'm Opposite Fluttershy, and I'm sick of being nice and quiet all the time!
Discord: [snap] Let me explain it to you as simply as I can. Me? Amazing! Them? Well, I've already forgotten who we're talking about. You see?
Fluttershy: All I'm saying is it's an opportunity to expand your circle of friends. [coddling] Unless you're afraid they won't like you?
Discord: Oh, please. Don't stoop to tedious reverse psychology. You're better than that.
Fluttershy: It never hurts to make new friends.
Discord: [scoffs] Consider it considered.
[magic poof]
Fluttershy: [humming] [gasps]
Discord: Couldn't I just come with you instead?
[theme song]
Discord: I suppose this is goodbye then. Have an absolutely fabulous voyage. [snap]
[magic zap]
Fluttershy: Discord...
Discord: [gasps] Well, it's not my fault the new train route leads into an active volcano. Guess you'll have to stay.
Discord: Oh, you're no fun. [snap]
[magic zap]
Applejack: I got my bedroll, parka, unattractive but functional hikin' boots... Uh, anything I forgot, Pinkie Pie? You're our resident Yakyakistan expert.
Pinkie Pie: Nope! I brought yeti food!
Pinkie Pie: Did I forget to mention there's a pony-eating yeti on Frost Field Glacier? We're gonna have so much fun!
Rainbow Dash: Heh. If he messes with us, I'll turn that yeti into confetti!
[train whistle blows]
[train chugging]
Applejack: Heh. Somepony's in an awful quick hurry to get us out of here. Don't y'all have too much fun without us.
Twilight Sparkle: I bet you boys have big plans. Right, Spike?
Spike: I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about. Although if I did, I certainly wouldn't be allowed to discuss it with you girls.
Twilight Sparkle: Buh-bye!
[train whistle blows]
Applejack: Bye, y'all!
[train chugging]
[train whistle]
[long beat]
Big McIntosh: [unintelligible whispering]
Spike: [whispering] Uh, I dunno what to say. I mean, I hope he comes but I kinda don't want him to think of it...
Big McIntosh: [hushed] Yup.
[magic zap]
Discord: Fascinating article, yes? [nervous laugh] [hushed, to himself] Don't let them come over, please don't let them come over, please don't let them come over, please, please, please— [normal] Oh, salutations, my friend! Wish I could stay and chat, but I don't want to.
Spike: Wait! Um, we were wondering... What are you up to tonight?
Discord: [to himself] Oh, here we go...
Spike: Do you wanna, I don't know, hang out? Is that, like, something you do?
Discord: Oh, Twilight's friend and Applejack's monosyllabic brother, if only I weren't super busy this evening.
Spike: [to Big McIntosh] I guess guys' night will just be you and me.
Discord: A guys' night? You mean a rowdy evening of reckless revelry? Zoot suits, fedoras, swing dancing?
Spike: Eh, something like that. [nervous] You should totally come. Three of us would be way better than two...
Discord: That does sound fun, actually...
Spike: Too bad you're busy.
[magic zap]
Discord: Well, I suppose I could squeeze you in if I move a few very important ponies around.
Discord: [gravelly accent] June, honey, be a dear. Reschedule Luna and Cay-Cay. [normal, aside] That's what I call Princess Celestia, what a hoot! [gravelly accent] In fact, clear the whole evening. Tonight is guys' night. These fellas invited me to spice things up and bring a little class to the whole affair.
[magic zap]
Discord: [normal voice] Tonight will be the best night of your lives, and not just because you get to bask in my greatness.
Spike: I do like basking in things. See you tonight. [hushed] Twilight's castle. The fun starts promptly at sundown.
Discord: Technically, the fun starts when I arrive, but I'll make sure it's around sunset. Adieu, fellas.
[magic zap]
Spike: And... we have sundown. Repeat, we have sundown. I declare tonight's guys' night ceremonies officially open!
Big McIntosh: Eeyup!
Spike: It's guys' night.
Big McIntosh: Yup.
Spike: Oh, yeah.
Big McIntosh: Yup.
Spike: Havin' fun now.
Big McIntosh: Yup.
Spike: Oh, yeah!
Big McIntosh: Oh, yeah!
Spike: What the hay?
[cartoon skedaddling]
Discord: [high-pitched] Announcing the much anticipated arrival of the spirit of chaos and disharmony, the purveyor of pandemonium, lord of lawlessness, earl of turmoil, bringer of bedlam... [imitating fanfare] Discord!
[electronic music playing]
[confetti exploding]
[magic zap]
Discord: So, shall we hop to it? I made a list of the rowdiest establishments in Ponyville. It's rather short.
Spike: Actually, we're staying here. I hope you like awesome games!
Discord: Games? I love games. I'm great at games.
[magic zap]
Discord: Famous pony charades? Oh, this is an easy one. Who am I? Huh? Huh?
Discord: Oh, come on!
Spike: Uh... I'm talkin' about a real game.
Discord: Oh, you mean like trapping best friend ponies in hedge mazes and turning them against each other. Those were the days.
[Celestia's mane yowls]
[magic zap]
Spike: Not exactly. Wait here.
Discord: Whatever it is, it can only get better by adding me to the mix.
Spike: [off-screen] Okay!
Spike: In a world where evil reigns supreme, a small band of warriors stands tall against the darkness. This is... Ogres & Oubliettes!
Discord: [gasps]
Discord: Oh, this looks like...
Spike: The best game ever? You're right!
Discord: Yes...
Spike: Ogres & Oubliettes is a fantasy role-playing adventure game. Our goal, defeat the evil Squid Wizard, or... [stifling laughter] as we call him... the Squizard!
Big McIntosh: [stifled laughter]
Spike: [chuckling] [clears throat] The Squizard has laid siege to the last free city in Spiketopia. That's the name of the land. He's kidnapped a beautiful unicorn princess named Shmarity. [beat] Uh, which is like a normal name in Spiketopia, so, you know, don't think about it too much.
Discord: Fear not. Your romantic delusions are safe with me.
Spike: First things first – you've gotta create a character! Name?
Discord: How about... Discord?
Spike: [sighs] The whole point of the game is you get to use your imagination to be someone you're not. I'm Garbunkle, a famous magician. Everyone treats me with the utmost respect.
Discord: Just like in real life?
Spike: And don't get jealous, but I'm a level 30 Enchanter with major skill points assigned to Intellect and Perception.
[hairdryer running]
Discord: [not listening] Go on, I'm listening.
Spike: Big Mac's character is Sir McBiggun, a level 27 Black Knight Unicorn from Castle Chadwick!
Discord: [still not listening] I'm listening.
Spike: When his king aligned himself with the Squizard, Sir McBiggun would not besmirch his honor.
Big McIntosh: Nnope!
Discord: [clears throat] [mumbling] I'm listening.
Spike: And so it came to pass, the magician and black knight vowed to rid Spiketopia of the evil Squizard.
[balloon deflating]
Spike: So, your character's name?
Discord: I already have the best name in the universe. Why would I change it for something like "Captain Wuzz"?
Spike: Captain Wuzz it is!
Discord: [groans]
Spike: What class are you, Captain Wuzz? There's Archers, Mages, Rogues...
Discord: [snorts] Can I suggest we take a break and, I don't know, go out and have some fun? Ponyville's not going to paint itself red.
Spike: You'll love it once we get started! [rolls die] How 'bout an Archer?
Discord: Sounds just as miserable as the other options. So fine.
Spike: Sir McBiggun, are you prepared to enter the world of Ogres & Oubliettes?
Big McIntosh: Eeyup.
Spike: Discord, or should I say, Captain Wuzz, are you—
Discord: Oh, get on with it.
Spike: [rolls dice] We find ourselves trapped in the dungeon of the evil Squizard. The bars are locked tight.
Spike: The bars exist in our imagination.
Discord: Really? You describe things, and then we pretend it's real?
Spike: It is real. In our imagination. It's your turn first. What do you wanna do?
Discord: Curse myself for attending this infernal evening? Ohhh, no, you mean in the game.
Spike: Well, you can do whatever you want. Then, I roll this twenty-sided die and see if you're successful.
Discord: I stick my head through the bars and demand for the immediate release of the Lord of Chaos.
Spike: That's a big risk. You have to roll a seventeen or higher to succeed. [rolls die] Ooh, bad idea. The guard gets mad.
Discord: This spell here. I transform him into a parsnip.
Spike: You need eleven Intelligent points to cast a Transform Into Root Vegetable spell.
Discord: I'm not intelligent? I cast it anyway because this game is stupid.
Spike: [rolls die] The spell backfires. So [stifling laughter] your claws grow leaves and transform into parsnips!
Big McIntosh: [chuckling] Parsnips. [laughs]
Discord: [growls]
Spike: The guard laughs. He calls his friends over, and they laugh too.
Spike and Big McIntosh: [laughing]
Discord: Don't you laugh at me, Big Mac! Does it really say that? Let me see.
Big McIntosh: [laughing]
Spike: [rolls die] [laughs] As you get angrier, everypony laughs harder!
Discord: I seal Sir McBiggun in a magic bubble until he stops laughing!
Spike: I told you, you can't do magic!
Spike and Big McIntosh: [laughing]
[magic zap]
Big McIntosh: Whoaa! Nope! Nope! Nope!
Discord: "Not intelligent enough." Please.
Spike: Cut it out, Discord!
Discord: Oh, this game is insufferable! Let me show you a real guys' night!
[upbeat jazz]
Discord: [laughing] This is the life! Jazz, dancing, the best table magic can buy! This is what guys' night is all about. Am I right, fellas?
Big McIntosh: Eeyup!
Spike: I know you probably didn't do this on purpose, but this table's the perfect size and shape!
Discord: I don't think so. Let's have a drink. Chocolate milkshakes?
Spike: [sighs] No, we want to go back to Ogres &
Discord: Oh, how 'bout a different game? [magic zap] Those are very bad cards.
Spike: Stop messing with us! We wanna—
[magic zap]
Discord: A dance contest?
[upbeat jazz BGM]
Discord: Surprise! We won!
Spike: Discord!
Discord: [sinister] Yes?
Spike: Look, we don't wanna do these things. We wanna play our game. If you don't want to play with us, you can, I don't know, sit and watch.
Discord: Sit and watch? Fine. We'll play your game. [reverberating] Are you ready to enter the world of Ogres & Oubliettes?
[magic zap]
Spike: Sir McBiggun?!
Big McIntosh: Eeyup!
Spike: And I'm... Garbunkle? That means... Sweetness! We're in the game! Check it out! Ka-zam!
[magic zaps]
Spike: It's guys' night!
Big McIntosh: Eeyup!
Spike: Oh, yeah!
Big McIntosh: Yup!
Spike: In the game now!
Big McIntosh: Yup!
Spike: Oh, yeah!
Big McIntosh: Oh, yeah!
Spike: Discord, where are you? This is great! You made the game real!
Discord: [reverberating] [laughs] Aren't games fun?
Spike: Should we be worried he's using his scary voice?
[army marching]
Squizard: Behold! I am the Squizard!
Spike and Big McIntosh: [gasps]
Discord: [reverberating] [chuckles] You're welcome.
Squizard: Attack!
[army shouting]
Spike: Run!
Spike and Big McIntosh: [panting]
[arrows being fired]
Discord: [reverberating] You find yourself on the battlefield. A barrage of arrows rains down on you. If you roll a fifteen or higher, the shield protects you. Fourteen or lower and, well... [laughs] You get the idea.
[magic zap]
Discord: Seventeen! Lucky you!
Big McIntosh: [grunts]
Discord: Boo.
Spike and Big McIntosh: [panting]
Discord: Boo.
Spike and Big McIntosh: [screaming]
Spike: Discord!
[magic zap]
Discord: Sir McBiggun, I'd cover the entrance if I were you.
Spike: This isn't funny!
Discord: Isn't this what every gamer wants? To live the game? Like this?!
[magic zaps]
Spike: Ugh!
[army shouting]
Spike: [groans] This kinda hurts! Like, real pain!
[magic zap]
Discord: Oh, how kind of you to notice. It's the little details that really bring alternate dimensions to life, wouldn't you say?
Spike: Discord, this is awful!
[magic zap]
Squizard: Of course it is! Spiketopia will be mine! And Rarity shall be my bride!
Squizard: I mean, Shmarity.
[magic zap]
Spike and Big McIntosh: [gibbering]
Spike: Why are you doing this? You're the worst!
Discord: If I'm the worst, then why did you invite me?
Spike: Because we felt bad for you!
Discord: Because you... what?!
[magic zap]
Spike: [panting] We're okay, we're okay! No thanks to you, Discord!
Discord: You felt sorry for me?
Spike: Who wouldn't? Fluttershy told us you practically begged her to stay! And then at the train station, you were just standing there, all alone!
Discord: This can't be. I'm supposed to feel sorry for you because I'm me and you're you.
Spike: [sighs] We only invited you to be nice! I mean, you're kind of a... weirdo!
Big McIntosh: Eeyup.
Discord: I ruined your night, and you don't even think I'm cool? Ugh. [zap] [muffled] How embarrassing. I should go. [normal] I have a lot of other friends I need to see tonight.
Spike: Good!
Discord: Yes, so many other friends. [whimpers] Farewell, Garbunkle the magician and brave Sir McBiggun. May providence smile upon thee in thy quest to rid Spiketopia of the dreaded Squizard... [sighs] When I say it that way, the game doesn't sound half bad.
[magic zap]
Discord: Oh, well.
[magic zap]
Spike: [sighs] It... it's better this way, right?
Big McIntosh: Eeyup.
Spike: Because... now he can't bother us, 'cause he's off somewhere by himself... all alone... with no friends.
Big McIntosh: Yup.
Spike: [sighs] [clears throat] [unenthusiastic] We find ourselves in the dungeon of the evil Squizard. The bars are locked, and... Ah, who am I kidding? We should give him another chance. [clears throat] Captain Wuzz? Can you hear me?
[magic zap]
Discord: Oh! You realized how amazing I am and that I make you cooler just by being around me?
Discord: Uh... [stammering] No, no, actually, that's not what I meant to say... I'm... sssssss...
Spike: What?
Discord: I'm ssssssss—
Spike: Can't hear you.
Big McIntosh: Nope.
Discord: I'm trying to say I'm sorry, all right?! I'm sorry for ruining your game, and I'm sorry that I thought I was better than you! [pants] [quickly] Now let's play before this evening gets any sappier, shall we?
[magic zap]
Big McIntosh: [unintelligible whispering]
Spike: Huh? Yeah, yeah! Okay! What if we forgot the board and the pieces for a minute? I mean, the whole game coming to life was completely terrifying, but also kind of the best thing ever! So, uh, Big Mac and I were wondering... What if you toned it down just a teensy bit?
[main cast chattering]
[doors open]
Mane Six: Huh?
[army shouting]
Spike: I've got your back, Captain Wuzz!
[magic zap]
Big McIntosh: Wha-hah!
Discord: [grunts]
Spike, Big McIntosh and Discord: [panting]
Squizard: [evil laughter]
Discord: [accented] Garbunkle! Follow my lead!
[magic zap]
Squizard: [squeaks]
Spike: Bull's-eye!
Discord: Nice one!
Spike and Discord: It's guys' night!
Big McIntosh: Eeyup!
Spike and Discord: Oh, yeah!
Big McIntosh: Eeyup!
Spike and Discord: Having fun now!
Big McIntosh: Eeyup!
Spike and Discord: Oh, yeah!
Big McIntosh: Oh, yeah!
Twilight Sparkle: We should just close the door and let them finish... whatever this... is.
Rainbow Dash: No way! Did you see Big Mac's sword? I totally want in!
Pinkie Pie: Yeah! I don't know what it is, but it looks like super duper fun!
Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash: Guys' night!

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