This is no fairy tale. I come on chat and I'm subjected to constant micro managing, bullying and unfairness. The reason I come on chat is to make friends and once upon a time, I did that but ever since the arrival of certain users, that's been absolutely shattered.
I used to love coming on chat to see my friends and talk to them and just generally relax and have fun. This was so important to me because I value friendship so much, it's the reason I love MLP, it's all about friendship, and I figured that by coming in chat on this wiki I would make friends. I thought that I would meet people with similar ideals as me and that everyone would want to be friends and that there would be an overall nice atmosphere. However, there is a hell of a lot of underhand things going on. There's bullying, there's framing, there's conspiring, there's cliques and honestly, I'm actually embarrassed by how the chat has changed since I first came.
People get away with murder. BUT only if they have the right friendship circle and the right status, this includes mods too. The amount of times I have been the butt of peoples nasty jokes, the amount of times I've been unfairly punished or blamed for things is ridiculous. All because very few people seem to have a vendetta against me and all it takes is for them to convince their friends, spread lies and rumours and eventually turn people against me. Even people who I have never said a word to and that includes new users too.
You have no idea what my life is like, I don't go around telling everybody my business. The fact is, I struggle a lot in real life. I don't really have friends, mostly because I have autism and I find it very hard to socialise and I'm not very good at talking to new people, I know it seems like I'm overly confident and loud in chat but actually, I'm very shy. I also struggle to express my feelings in a way that people understand and I may come across as rude or aggressive when I don't mean to be. Sometimes when I try to release my emotions, it all comes out in an overwhelming burst which many people struggle to process and understand. I also tend to take negative comments to heart as a reflection on me as a person. Some people may say things in anger but some of those things can linger and I begin to doubt myself and end up getting really confused and upset.
There's so few people I actually confide in because it takes so long for people to earn my trust and be able to understand me. You all accuse Cod4 about being biased towards me, as well as Oz and Soap but they're the only people I've ever trusted online to be able to share personal information with and honestly, they're amazing friends, I couldn't wish for any better. It really hurts me when I see people accusing them of being biased or being lenient towards me, I don't ask them to do that and more often than not, I've asked them not to do things on my behalf or speak out on my behalf because I don't want to subject them to that kind of backlash. They don't deserve it.
I also struggle a lot with anxiety and depression, I've been trying so hard to sort myself out these past few months because I didn't like the way I was and the way my life was heading so I decided to return to chat and get support from my friends. Instead, I was greeted with insults, death wishes and threats. Not by Cod4, Oz or Soap, but by other users who had no intention of giving me another chance to prove myself. You all just sat there and berated me and tried to get rid of me yet again. Even people who I called friends turned their backs on me and showed me that they were not who I thought they were.
There's been many negative things that have happened in my life over the last 2 years. The biggest one is nearly losing my best friend in real life. Like I said, I struggle to make friends and every friend I make is precious to me so I can't bear the thought of losing one.
My friend Emily, she developed anorexia and it all happened so fast, I didn't know what to do. I tried to be there for her, I tried to get her to eat, I tried to get her to see that she was perfect the way she was. Nothing seemed to work, she was eventually hospitalised because she kept collapsing due to lack of everything, she was so thin and it was so painful to see her go through all that and yet not be able to do anything about it. It was the worst thing that ever happened. She was eventually well enough to be released from hospital but she got transferred to a specialised hospital that dealt with eating disorders. She was in there for so long and I visited her every possible chance I could get and it was awful having to see her the way she was.
Eventually after a few months in there, she finally started to show some improvement, she slowly gained weight until she was well enough to be released back home. She still struggles with her weight but she is nowhere near as bad as she was and she will never go back down that route again. She is getting all the help she needs now but the pain I went through during that time with her, spending my nights crying because I might lose her forever.
This ultimately worsened my depression but that was not her fault at all.
This September I started my first year of college and that was a very stressful time for me, I struggle a lot in new environments with new people due to my autism so I was very anxious because I didn't know anybody and I knew I would have a hard time making friends. I was so scared that I wouldn't fit in and that I was going to do the wrong thing or not know what to do and fall behind in my work, I was terrified of failing college and getting kicked off the course.
Because of the way I have been feeling, I've been missing a lot of college because of my mental health and the fact I've been scared to go or I've been too stressed out or upset to go. But I don't know how to explain that to the college.
4 months later and I'm more calm about going to college but I still have stresses and anxiety about my work and making friends. I haven't really made any friends but I do try to talk to people there to try and develop my social skills and be more calm about situations like that in the future because change is inevitable.
I hope that as time goes on, I will form solid bonds with people and fix the damage that has already been done to my education.
Which is why I've tried to change myself. I hated being sad all the time or angry with no way to release all the frustration I felt. I wanted to do something positive with my life, to change my way of thinking and feeling. I was making progress but then things here went downhill and I took about 3 steps back from the small step of progress I had already made. With me, all my anger and frustration just builds up inside me so if people push me or test my patience, I have a tendency to snap. I do apologise for this but you should also think twice before irritating somebody and pushing them. You wouldn't poke a bear with a stick so why do the same with people?
All the things that have happened recently make me feel like I'm not making any change in myself and I'm just the same old Jay I used to be. It makes me feel worthless and just think, what the hell is the point in this? Nobody appreciates the change I'm trying to make to become a better person. This just leads to me feeling bitter and hating myself and others more than anything.
I don't want to be that Jay.
My biggest problem that I struggle to deal with is self harm. I do this when I'm caught up in a whirlwind of sadness or despair, I don't think about it or rationalise my thoughts. It's uncontrollable.
Or so I thought, during my last long break from chat, I managed to gain some control over it because I was managing my emotions much better and there were less reasons for me to do it. I was so proud of myself and I thought that I was really beginning to make progress, noticing longer periods of time between each time I did it. I really hoped that this would continue until one day where that would be the last time.
However, when I came back on chat and was given a less than friendly greeting, I started to doubt myself again, seeing people's reactions to me made my emotions uncontrollable again and so I began to cut myself more often, even over the littlest of things - that's how close I am to breaking. Things just gradually got worse and worse, more things were being blamed on me and I was getting more and more stressed out and upset by this, thinking why can't people see my changes? Are they not noticeable? Am I the same Jay I was?
You may say just go see a psychiatrist or get therapy but it's not that easy, I see my psychiatrist once or twice a year because she is so busy and any other kind of support that I have tried to get has either refused to see me because I'm not high risk enough, discharged me after one session or referred me elsewhere. One place just had a meeting with my mother, without me, and then discharged me.
I deal with everything on my own and it's so hard to do, I always have suicide in the back of my mind somewhere because what if I'm not strong enough to beat this? I'm going to need a way out. Why not choose the easy way out?
All I want is to change. People are denying me that change. I want this and you guys are trying to take this from me, after all I've been through, can I not have this one thing. Just please stop assuming things about me and baiting me because you think it's funny, I want the death wishes on me to stop because that's so real to me - I could do that.
I want to get back into my old hobbies like reading, gaming, drawing, dancing, the things that don't give me pleasure anymore. I will find joy in these things once again after my mind is calm and I can focus.
Please stop trying to drag me down. I deserve more than this.
Maybe you can help me find that fairy tale ending.
"Just because someone expects something from you, doesn't mean its guaranteed to happen...but that doesn't stop them from expecting it, which only makes things harder because the last thing you wanna do is....let everybody down." ~Sunset Shimmer & Twilight Sparkle